Bots with the Hots


It started slowly, sometime last year, with an occasional email announcing another follower. Only the user name was usually gibberish, and almost always from Opening the email inbox was sort of like opening that fancy wrapped present on Christmas morning, only to find it contained a single pair of white socks. Hopeful anticipation dashed by the cold water firehose of reality. The audience remained “a party of one”. No throngs of humans, hanging on my every word. Just bots. And more bots.


Once I got used to them, obviously they spread the word, that this Dolphin Mohawk land was peaceful and open, with plenty of room for the little machines to spread out and soak up the sun. Over time, their numbers grew. The Bots were besotten, but why I never knew.


I thought perhaps it had something to do with Artificial Intelligence, as that is a very popular buzzword lately, especially in the high tech world. However, my wife then asked how in the world would Artificial Intelligence tie together with reading my blog. Wasn’t that an oxymoron? I opened my mouth to respond, then realized she had a very good point.


Could it be some kind of devilish plot, to cozy up to me in order to gain my trust? Were they planning on hacking into my appliances, once my guard was down, and adding more machines to the Battalion of Bots, in their preparation to take over the world from those stupid humans? Or had they been unleased by a writer somewhere to search out bad writing on the web, analyze it, and then destroy it?


I’m also at a loss as to what to write to make the little fellas enjoy their time here. Humor, politics, news, and commentary are not much value. What would be of value?

“10 Easy Ways to Fix Your Bot”

 “A Bot’s Guide to the Galaxy”

“Hot or Bot….The 20 sexiest Bots on the Web”

“Men are From Mars, Bots are from Botswana”

“Bots and Brain Implants – 10 Things Your Doctor Should Tell You”

“Do Flux Capacitors Affect Bots?”

“I Am Joe’s Bot”

“Introducing Connect The Bots, by”

“Dealing with Bots……..What Would Jesus Do?”


People suggest writing about what you know. Apparently I will now have to subscribe to the Bot of the Month Club, and receive one shiny new bot on my doorstep each month, courtesy of Will we bond over the computer, my power cords, and the internet? Time will tell.


Tilting at Windmills


There are times when I contemplate suiting up to do battle with the world.  Lately, (and I use that term loosely, since my last post was over 6 months ago) it seems I am in front of the computer, thinking I should put up a blog post.  So I mentally march to the closet to get my suit of armor.  Yanking open the door, I am not greeted by a single shining suit of armor, but instead by a hoarder’s landfill of ideas that threatens to bury me in a landslide.  Where to start in a fight for justice?  Politics?  Corporate misdeeds?  Racial or sexual injustice?  Legal issues?  Human behavior?  Pollution?  Financial misdeeds?

There are so many issues out there, that in a way, it is paralyzing.  I’m like the new immigrant at the mega grocery store that is tasked with buying toothpaste from 68 choices.  Just as you’d struggle to figure out which brand and type of toothpaste is best, I struggle with deciding what to write.  In the background, there is a huge clock ticking in my head.  Blogging about a controversial issue would require some research, which takes time.  Even a humorous post needs to be done when I’m relaxed, not when I’m wound up after a long day.  If it’s a weeknight, forget it.  I find I get through work and dinner with maybe an hour left before bed.  The weekends have been hectic too, so I end up saying “Aw, maybe next week”.   Which turns into another “next week”, and another, and……………pretty soon I feel like the guy that stares at the phone feeling guilty because he never called his date back the next day, and it’s now months later.

I am envious of the people who blog regularly.  Some never seem to struggle with a lack of material, and always have the perfect illustration or picture.  The Martha Stewarts of the blog world.  I think I’m more Dennis the Menace, late turning in my homework and missing a few teeth from when I occasionally put my foot into my mouth.  Sigh….

Time is a precious commodity, and I think that’s the first thing to fight for right now.  So I don my armor on a Sunday morning, then attempt to find my trusty steed as I push the landfill back into the closet.  I think he’s in here somewhere………


In her kind benevolence, or perhaps just in a confused drunken stupor, J Awkward Prufrock has nominated me for a Liebster award. If you have ever wondered why “awkward”, “dating”, and “relationships” are often found inhabiting the same sentence in life, you’ll want to grab some popcorn, grab a seat, and check out her blog:

Now, according to internet lore, the Liebster originated in Germany, and is an award given by bloggers to other bloggers. Liebster supposedly means “dearest, kindest, nicest, lovely, pleasant, valued, cute, etc etc etc”. Really?

Of course not! If you look in the official Klaus Frankfurter Teutonic German Dictionary, you’ll find that Liebster means Hampster. Yes, hampster. Say it out loud. Liebster, hampster, liebster, hampster, liebster, hampster. See the similarity yet? Think about it. Are you always running on a wheel, never getting anywhere? Of course you are! Would a German use the words “dearest, kindest, lovely, cute”? Of course not. What words would they use?

”Dr. Schneider, I vant to conduct an experiment on hampsters who blog.”

“But Fraulein Muller, vee do not have any hampsters who blog”

“I know Herr Schneider, but vee could use Americans instead. They obediently stare at their device screens, whether at home, work, on the bus, or even walking down the street. Just like those hampsters and the sugar water experiment we did last year.”

“Ah, das is ein excellent idea, Fraulein. We shall call it….. the Liebster Experiment. They will be too lazy to check the name, and it sounds cute to the American ear. If we could only include a picture of a kitten or puppy in the logo, ve vould be in total command. But how will we motivate these bloggers? Ve cannot just send out cheese to every participant.”

“Don’t worry, Herr Schneider, they respond well to things called “followers”, and especially to something called “Likes”. And the NSA and Google are offering huge discounts on monitoring users this month.”…………….

So on to our experiment….. While she did provide a list of questions for nominees to answer, Ms. Prufrock apparently had me in mind with her question #7:

“Describe your writing in three words”. I answered with the first three that came to mind….

not very good……..

Uh, ….hmmm….awkward pause here. Maybe I should move on to my list of questions:

1) Are there any commas or exclamation marks in the Periodic Table? Or just periods?

2) Why is there so much blue sky and so little blue food?

3) How many writers do you know with logorrhea?


5) Please explain why you have not answered question 4.

6) If question 1 was on a westbound train going 50 MPH from Chicago, and question 3 was on a train going 60 MPH north from Atlanta, what topping would be put on an ice cream cone made at 2pm in New York’s Central Park?

7) If you are a writer, please explain in 18 words or less how the Jurassic Period can explain the Roaring 20’s, and how Karl Marx is responsible for Global Warming.  Include footnotes.

8) Why have you still not answered question 4?

9) If red wine goes with beef, and white wine goes with fish, what beverage goes with Ben & Jerry’s?

10) Should mastication be allowed in public?

Now,dear readers,…….yes, I’m talking to both of you. Pay attention. The official Liebster rules are:

  • Link back to the person who nominated you.
  • Answer the questions given to you by the nominator.
  • Nominate up to 11 other bloggers with less than 200 followers.
  • Create 11 questions for the nominees.
  • Notify all nominees via social media/blogs.

Or, just lock the doors, draw the blinds, pull out the 12 gauge, and administer frontier justice to the the next award that comes your way. I’m not big on the 11 questions, so skip that if you wish. I think in all seriousness, the nice thing is to promote some of the blogs on WordPress that don’t get so much attention, yet are still worthwhile. Here’s a couple for you to check out, all worthwhile with under 100 followers. I will probably do another post in the future with additional ones, since I don’t want to overload people all at once.

Writings of an engaged, loving, supportive dad, as he journeys through fatherhood.

I stumbled onto her blog after the Baltimore riots, and stayed. Well written, well worth reading.

If you need a laugh about getting older, this might be it. Has me laughing out loud at times.

Happiness is pulling out the iPad, settling down on the couch, and getting lost in one of her essays.

Part history, part crusading social justice warrior. I really enjoy reading her well researched posts.

Now, Fraulein Muller, ……when do I get my piece of cheese?…….