A Modest Proposal

Looking around at all the mayhem in this world, it is clear that a drastic solution is needed. The number of wars is far too large, and the amount of violence in the world right now gives pause to any normal person. There is way too much death, misery, and sorrow. After much review, it appears the common denominator is men. The wars, the violence,….. seem to be largely the domain of males.

 

Therefore, I believe the best solution to this problem is that we neuter all males. I propose we do this worldwide, without delay. My reasons are as follows:

 

With the current medical advances in stem cell therapy and in vitro fertilization, reproduction could easily be accomplished in a doctor’s office or clinic. No need for women to ask “Is it in yet?” or to put up with “Five Second Fred” (if you know what I mean, and ladies, I think you do). Cuddling and spooning would once again be added to the male vocabulary.

 

As to women giving up some pleasure, there’s no risk of that. Seeing the size of the potential market, the high tech industry will erect a massive research infrastructure to develop better toys and devices, allowing women to choose whether their big O is “relaxing waves of pleasure”, “a bolt of lightning”, or “I think my uterus just shot off to Mars”. Bob’s Big Boy will no longer just refer to a hamburger chain.

 

Wars, in the rare case where they would occur, would be limited to once a month for a couple of days. Fought mostly by women, bullets and bombs will be replaced by scratching, hair pulling, and judged contests involving catty remarks about clothes and shoes.

 

Conservatives would be happy that men would no longer prey on men and boys, and liberals would be happy that men would no longer prey on women and girls. Family pets would be thrilled, as thoughts run through their head of “How do ya like THAT, big fella? Now you know how I feel.”

 

The restaurant industry would be transformed with a new wave of Rocky Mountain Oysters, Alabama Apples, Georgia Grapefruits, and Pennsylvania Pebbles. Even Boulder, Colorado would get into the act with a new city mascot and flag.

 

It would be brave new world out there, with some actual hope for the future. A few snips here, a few snips there, now you’ll need some new underwear (thus stimulating the economy). Let’s first attack the low hanging fruit as we ride the cutting edge of civic improvement!

 

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